The past three years have been incredibly difficult to me. As a result, I have been so terribly angry. Slowly, the anger has been consuming all of the light and love I had in my life. The sadness at the loss of a marriage, and so very much more, left me feeling overwrought, defeated, abandoned, afraid, unloved, and angry. With all I have endured in my life, I have always thought is a sign of my resilience, that I was able to not allow hatred to consume me. Yet, as of late, that is exactly what had been happening. No matter what the situation was, I could not enjoy it or be slightly happy because all I could feel was hatred. My grounding belief has always been, if I put good energy into the Universe, I would eventually get get good back because the Universe always has a way of making things right. At some point, I stopped believing that credo. I stopped finding comfort in that because it seemed as if everything fell apart, and I didn't ever seem to "win." I lost everything, and with each loss, I believed less and less. and the less I believed the more of myself I lost. I became a person I didn't recognize; a person I didn't like. All of the love and the light which had carried me through the darkest and most painful periods of my life was fading. It was replaced with anger, hatred, and resentment; replacing everything I loved and liked about me. I am saddened by this change in myself, but happy I have the awareness of self to recognize I am not the person I need to be for me and those who know and love me. Thus, I have decided to regain what was lost. There are times when I am unable to fully control the ebbs and flows of my emotions, but I know dwelling on the actions of others and allowing myself to be consumed by hate is not healthy. That is not my heart. With all I have endured in my life, I have never given in to the pain to the extent of hating and wishing ill upon another person. I will not lose myself because I lost another.
It's not always bad...maybe
I am an intensely creative person, so much so that being creative I the only time I truly feel my life has any meaning. I express myself best through writing, but I love painting, crafting, beading, up-cycling old furniture, and so on. When I am feeling like the Grand Marshall of my parade, I can do anything! This is the "Mania" portion of of "Manic Depression." When I am in this state, it is if my mind is blazing through thoughts and ideas at a million miles an hour. I can create anything and it feels so good. This is a time where any project I have been thinking about becomes reality, and often I am taken by the beauty of my ability to bring that reality. I spend hours writing or crafting, and I never want it to end. Being in a state of Mania also means I can fully appreciate the splendor of life; nothing is out of reach, the sights, sounds, and smells of the world around me are in brilliant relief, and I want to take it all in. The world around me has a unique pleasantness that stands in stark contrast to the dark days in which I can barely get out of bed. Instead of being frightening to me, I want to rush out and experience everything. I will admit, I love this feeling. I love this me. This is the me I want the world to see: smart, talented, well-read, generous, riotous, loving, and fun. This is the person my family and friends get to see. This is the person who makes me the type of person whose company others enjoy. This is the person who love dinner parties, shopping, long walks in the woods, deep kisses, and taking chances. This is also the person who may spend way too much money, forget appointments because I am too caught up the rapture of creativity, who gives 100% to any project, job, and role I am in at that point in my life. This is the person who can become overwhelmed by the constant stimuli, and want so badly to retreat to the safety of my bed with shuttered window blinds and snuffed out lights. Mania brings extremes within an extreme. I can be hyper-productive or self-destructive. Obviously, I prefer the productivity; after all, who wouldn't?
No comments:
Post a Comment