There are times where I'd love nothing more than to run away. Not just from my everyday life, but from every thing and everyone. I think my perfect "oasis" would have two key elements: nature and books. Nature has always been a place of serenity for me. With all of its inherent chaos, nature has an order. In nature, a thing simply is what it is. One can be still and silent without the noise that comes with everyday life, and I like that. I often daydream of running away to a distant monastery, or the like, where I could spend my days meditating in nature by day, and reading by night. At times, the rigor of simply living overwhelms me, and I crave a measure of solitude I have yet to achieve. Realistically, I know I could create solitude where I am. In fact, I have an entire room in my home dedicated to achieving solitude, but it is not true isolation. This is one of the contradictions of my personality. I greatly enjoy solitude. Being left to my own devices is often what I want more than most any thing; yet I am a social person. I enjoy great conversations and hearing the stories of others. I am easily affected by the energies and emotions of others, and so, need to be away from people in order to come back to myself. I love to share my talents and ideas, but often feel taken advantage of after a while. I know I need time to "recharge" for my own health and well-being, but I feel guilty for doing so. The quest to strike a balance between the two has always been a struggle for me. To be a part of the world, but not so easily impacted by it is something I war with on a daily basis. Like anyone else who copes with Bipolar disorder, I am often at the mercy of my emotions. No matter how hard I try, it is a herculean task for me to not cycle through emotions as quickly or as often as I do. Being an emotional person is a blessing and a curse. I am undecided as to how much of which... To a degree, this trait allows me to be sensitive to other people; yet it causes a great deal of emotional upheaval in my own mind and spirit. I am extremely empathetic to the hurting of others, but I am not always able to "shield" myself from the force of those sensations. This can be quite tiring, and leads me to yearn for the peace of solitude.
Noise
I saw a meme which had the caption: "Men, if you want to know what a woman's mind is like, imagine a browser with 3,241 tabs open. All. The. Time." This meme resonated with my, not because I am a woman, but because that is what it feels like in my mind. There is not a minute of the day where I am not thinking. No matter what I am doing, I am likely thinking about several other unrelated or related things at the same time. One way I have been able to have respite from my "unquiet mind" is through practicing meditation, but even then, I have to, on several occasions bring myself back to focus. The un-quietness of my mind is at its worst at night. It often takes me hours after getting in bed to actually fall asleep. I am often unable to "shut my mind off." As such, I am often awake into the early morning trying, to no avail, to stop thinking...about everything. As you can imagine, not being able to sleep at night means I often sleep during the day after my body has simply had enough and forces sleep. When I was younger, this was written off as my being "lazy." Others would say, "You sleep too much...why do you sleep all day?...how can you expect to have a normal life if you sleep all day long?" Over time, I developed the idea I was not a "morning person." Perhaps daytime simply did not appeal to me. Maybe I am an "night person." That is not true. I would love to be able to sleep at night, awake in the morning feeling rested, and conquer my day with all good intentions, but, alas, I am unable to do so without taking a sleep aid and even then, I am not rested. My mind is "unquiet." It is in a constant state of thinking, thus, I am in a constant state of frustration.
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