I think the worst thing about depression is its "invisibility." Because other people can't "see" it, to them, it simply doesn't carry the same weight as other diseases. Unlike cancer or, say, having a missing limb, it is not something others can easily classify or understand. Most of the time, if I tell someone I am in a state of depression, they think I should "just snap out of it." I've been told to just be grateful for the life I have as if I am ungrateful for all of the wonderful things in my life. Yes, there are wonderful things in my life, but there are times when I simply cannot experience them because I can't stop crying. When describing depression to some one else, I often tell them, for me it is as if my mind is warring with itself. No matter how smart or talented I am, it is painful to know I cannot, at times, control my own mind. Depression is not simply a matter of making up in one's mind to be okay. If it were that easy, I would have no worries. I can no easier make my mind still than a cancer patient can think away their disease or an amputee can wish their missing limb back into existence. Being held hostage by one's mind is devastating because there is no ransom to pay which will make every thing alright again. There is no negotiating with depression. One can only wait for the release, and there are times when it seems that will never come. So, telling me or any one suffering from this disease to "get over it," "pray about it," "try to be happy," or "stay focused on the good things..." and the like only serve as an indictment of the sufferer. Don't you think I would do all of those things if they came that easily? Wouldn't I choose to be happy if it were that simple? Depression, for those who have never experienced it, is definitely not what you think it is.
Deep Darkness
The opposite of "Mania" is Depression. As "high" as I can feel when in a state of Mania, I can feel just as "low" when in a state of Depression. For me, depression brings a deep and abiding sense of despair. It is a place of utter darkness where light is too afraid to tread. In this place I feel as if the entire world is bearing down on me, and I can't breathe. Every second of the despair gnaws at my soul, and my spirit is so diminished it feels it will be extinguished. There is no hope when I am in this place. My life has no meaning. I am nothing, and I can give nothing. The pain of my mind is manifested in my body, and I hurt. Every part of my body aches as if hot needles are being jabbed so far in my skin they touch my spine. All I want to do is sleep, and sometimes that is all I do. It is not that I don't want to be a productive member of society or an active participant in my life; it's that I can't. I simply can't. The world seems too loud, and I am frightened to venture out past the safety of my internal self. sharing this part of me has always been the hardest part of this affliction, because it never seems to make sense to others. The smallest things make me angry, I don't have the patience to explain, I can be volatile, and hurtful. And so, to spare those I love and others from this "me," I shut down and hide myself away. I turn my phone off, de-activate my Facebook page, and forego anything which requires human contact. I do this because it feels safe; for me and others. I am an intensely sensitive person. To cause harm to another person is not good for my psyche, because I have the hardest time forgiving myself. In my mind, I know exactly how it feels to be hurt in most every way, and I never want to cause another person that or any kind of pain. Because I am human, I don't always get that right, but I try. I certainly try to never intentionally hurt another living being. During the Depression cycle of Manic Depression, it is far easier for me to lash out; especially to those who are close to me because I can't quite keep a hold on all of the pain I feel. That is why I retreat...behind the elephants.
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