Solitude

There are times where I'd love nothing more than to run away. Not just from my everyday life, but from every thing and everyone. I think my perfect "oasis" would have two key elements: nature and books. Nature has always been a place of serenity for me. With all of its inherent chaos, nature has an order. In nature, a thing simply is what it is. One can be still and silent without the noise that comes with everyday life, and I like that. I often daydream of running away to a distant monastery, or the like, where I could spend my days meditating in nature by day, and reading by night. Read more...

I am taking my power back

The past three years have been incredibly difficult to me. As a result, I have been so terribly angry. Slowly, the anger has been consuming all of the light and love I had in my life. The sadness at the loss of a marriage, and so very much more, left me feeling overwrought, defeated, abandoned, afraid, unloved, and angry. With all I have endured in my life, I have always thought is a sign of my resilience, that I was able to not allow hatred to consume me. Yet, as of late, that is exactly what had been happening. No matter what the situation was, I could not enjoy it or be slightly happy because all I could feel was hatred. Read more...

The night I told

When I think back on being molested as a child, while the experiences were traumatic, the worst part of that aspect of my life was not being believed. Between my earliest memory of the sexual abuse, age 8, and when my mom gave me away to the foster system, age 13, I had been molested by four people: a male cousin, a male family friend, and two female family friends. Read more...

My Papa

Growing up as I did, I was a fearful child. To me, the world, my world, was a frightening place. I inhabited a space where the people who should have protected, loved, and advocated for me failed to do so. As such, it seemed all to plausible that people who had no such perceived obligation to me could and would take any opportunity to harm me. My nerves were a wreck, and it seemed I was in a habitual state of crisis. There was very little chance for me to have the ability to "just be." Read more...

Never to reconcile

My mom died on September 22, 2000 from breast cancer. Her death was not the end of the emotional roller-coaster that was our relationship. She died, and I was left never having had the ability to really understand her from her perspective. In times prior, after I became an adult, I tried to ask my mom why she didn't want me, but never got an answer. So, as I stood over her coffin, looking down on the one person in the world who's love and acceptance I craved more than any thing in this world, I knew I would never have it. She had always been lost to me, but now she was lost to me forever. Read More....

It's not what you think

I think the worst thing about depression is its "invisibility." Because other people can't "see" it, to them, it simply doesn't carry the same weight as other diseases. Unlike cancer or, say, having a missing limb, it is not something others can easily classify or understand. Most of the time, if I tell someone I am in a state of depression, they think I should "just snap out of it." I've been told to just be grateful for the life I have as if I am ungrateful for all of the wonderful things in my life. Yes, there are wonderful things in my life, but there are times when I simply cannot experience them because I can't stop crying. Read more...

Noise

I saw a meme which had the caption: "Men, if you want to know what a woman's mind is like, imagine a browser with 3,241 tabs open. All. The. Time." This meme resonated with my, not because I am a woman, but because that is what it feels like in my mind. There is not a minute of the day where I am not thinking. No matter what I am doing, I am likely thinking about several other unrelated or related things at the same time. One way I have been able to have respite from my "unquiet mind" is through practicing meditation, but even then, I have to, on several occasions bring myself back to focus. Read more...